When I woke up this morning and walked down the hallway to my special place to meet with my Lord. I stopped at the front door and looked out into the darkness outside. My thoughts were on the fact that one year ago today, I was on the operating table having quadruple bypass surgery. Totally unexpected! As I stared into nothing because it was so dark, I was thanking God for giving me yet another chance at life.
It’s amazing how the mind wanders when you look into the darkness. I started thinking about that day and what led to it. I felt such peace even though my loved ones and friends seemed so nervous. That morning, as I was given anesthesia, I didn’t think about it possibly being the last time that I closed my eyes, but this morning I did. Then the “what ifs” started flooding my mind.
I then realized that I didn’t need to think about it being the last time that I saw my loved ones, how they would have reacted and the “what ifs” because it didn’t happen! Why is it that our thoughts go into that death thinking when we really don’t even need to go there?
God has given me another chance at life. Ever since I was in my 20s, He’s given me chance after chance. I look back at how stubborn I was and not realizing that He was trying to get my attention. When He knocked on my heart’s door, I totally avoided Him but He always returned…after the car accident when my son and brother were killed, I cursed Him but He came and knocked again. Then He came knocking again when I tried to end my life. I thought that I didn’t succeed because He didn’t want me, I later found out that He DID want me and that’s why I didn’t succeed. Hell was not His choice for me. After near death and brain surgery, there He was again! It took me a while after that but somewhere in there I finally got it.
I am who He says I am. I’m not perfect. I just do my best. I’m learning to love people where they are and learning to love myself a little more every day. It’s always easier to forgive someone else, but when it comes to forgiving ourselves, we’re our worst enemy.
I finally made my way to my chair as the darkness turned to light. I am so thankful that my eyes opened to the Light more than anyone can ever imagine.
I love you France