Autumn

I have been reminiscing today as I look around at the beauty that our God has allowed me to see as I walk on His earth, the earth that He created.  My thoughts have been focused on where I was three years ago today as I went in for quadruple bypass which was so unexpected!  I’ve always thought that I was in pretty good health but one never knows what’s going on in the inside.  Just because I had started eating better, exercising, flooding my body with the nutrients from 30+ fruits, veggies and berries, didn’t mean that my bad habits from the previous 62 years had not affected my body. 

As I was thinking about this, I was thankful that God has forgiven me for the “bad habits – sins” from the past.  Sometimes I just wonder why He has been so good to me.  Why has He kept me here?  It took a long time for Him to get my attention.  As a matter of fact, it took Him, or need I say-it took me 50 years to see the light.

Some people tell me that they don’t like autumn because it reminds them of death.  September is certainly a month of reflection for me.  On September 30, 1978 I had a car accident that took the lives of my 16 month old son and 16 year old brother.  Talk about being angry with God.  Oh boy!  I didn’t have a relationship with Him then so cursing Him was no problem.  They were buried October 1^st while I was still in the hospital so closure was put on hold for me.  Then the guilt took over and I thought that my punishment needed to be suicide.  Let’s just get it over with, no more pain.  Self pity, despair and darkness was all around me. Well, I cursed God again because I didn’t succeed.  I raised my fist at Him and told Him “see, I’m so bad that You don’t even want me!”  Little did I know that had I died then, I would have gone straight to hell.  So He WAS looking out for me! He did want me! But, I didn’t get it.

In 1999, I ended up in the hospital in Canada during a business trip.  I had a cyst on my brain and had to have surgery.  This is a long story which I won’t bore anyone with, but I made it through without a care in the world…maybe it was the drugs!  Anyhow, when I returned to the U.S. six weeks later, I went for a follow up at Northside Hospital.  The specialist told me that I had a very good surgeon to have made it through that rare, difficult surgery.  He told me that the type of surgery I had was very complicated, and he had performed five himself with three of the patients dying on the table.  Again, God was looking out for me but I still didn’t get it. I suppose I’m a slow learner but once I get it, I GET IT!!!

I could look at autumn as death and I’m sure that I did in the past.  But since my eyes have been opened, I see many different colors, and as the leaves fall to the ground, I see more clearly what is beyond the trees.   I see Light in the darkness. I see freedom.